The Beauty of Pain

New Missions in life

2011-12-11T16:59:00.006-07:00

"Well...I guess that's it." Matthew and I are no more. Well. At least not physically. In an attempt to briefly explain what happened...he came home, we were both a little different, we struggled, we fought, we tried so hard, and then we decided to just stop it. I say "we" loosely. However, no one person is to blame for the end of something beautiful. My heart hurts so much for him. Or maybe it's the hole that remains that I'm feeling. Afterall, I told him over 2 years ago that he had my heart. I made a promise to God and to him, that he would always have my heart. I believe God heard me. Either that or He's making sure I don't forget "I asked for it". Matthew, however...doesn't seem to believe it. No matter what we've been through, how much I tried to prove myself, in Matthew's mind, he is just unable to accept that he had something so real. His pushing me away was supposed to have subsided once he returned home...give or take a few months to re-coop, but it never did. If anything, it got worse. I have so many theories as to why things ended up like this. Maybe Matthew couldn't handle dealing with me AND the adjustment to being home from war at the same time. Maybe the circumstances in which we met, became friends, and fell in love was too much for him to accept. Maybe the time we were apart was just too long and our individual growth during that time changed us too much. Or hell, maybe it was just the fatal combination of all of the above that caused a storm strong enough to actually destroy us. We lost our way. We lost our strength. We lost each other.
We're not married, but I made a vow. I made a promise over and over again. I can still feel what we had inside of me and it's stronger than ever. He may not get to see that for a while. I may not get to see his face or hear his voice for a while, but the fact of the matter is that I love him.
I haven't handled this long, drawn-out breakup so well. I tend to run from pain...or find ways to numb it. Then I hide myself away from the world for a while and allow myself to be depressed about it. Then I finally try to think positive and find some peace out of all this. Then I talk to him. We're both guilty of it. We agree to stop contacting each other and then one of us caves within a day or two. Sometimes, we even see each other. That's really bad. Because then we share a connection and no matter what I say...I feel that hope again. I feel like maybe this time it'll stick. When it doesn't, I start the whole process over again. He's a part of me. Sometimes I battle within about whether or not he's a good part, but regardless. Our souls intertwined something serious! I cannot figure out how to let him go. I've tried just about everything and nothing is working.
So then what am I going to do now you ask? School. Work. Kids. Friends. Wow. The order in which I just had to list those is exactly what I'm stuck in right now. School is number one and that is what I have to focus on if I want to succeed at it and become the woman and psychologist that I need to be. Work is next because that is what I have to do to survive while taking school head on. Kids...oh.
My babies. I miss them so much. I stare at them every single day since I have pictures of them all over my room. I never thought I would ever be in a situation where I couldn't see my babies every single day. People probably think I handle it too well. I kinda make sure of that, but, my kids are my world. Do you know what gets me through all the time without them? ...Knowing, hoping, Praying, that one day real soon they will understand what I had to do. I enjoy every single hour I get to spend with them when I can and they inspire me further and give me a reason to pursue these dreams. That is all I would ever wish upon them. However, only getting to see them overy 2 weeks is killing me. It's not enough. For them, or for me. Ahhh...I just keep telling myself, "It's almost over", "It will all be better soon", "I will get this all figured out"!
Friends...ya, I love my friends. I will need them from time to time to make sure I don't turn into a vampire or somethin. Get me out and social and active...I need that to breathe!!! Everything will turn out as it is supposed to. I can't see the future, so I have no idea if Matthew and I will end up together again. I do know however, that I don't want to be with any other man. I just don't. I'm happy having friends I can hang out with and having my own life to live. I hope him and I get that movie-worthy moment..lol. As much as I love fairytales, I know damn well I don't live in one. :)
In the meantime...no more Matthew. No more relationship stuff at all.I am A mother who needs and loves her children. A student on her way to a career that will help people live better lives. A woman on a mission.

What it's like...

2011-04-17T23:52:00.002-07:00

There's this show on nowadays...called "Coming Home".
I actually try not to watch it all the time, because it's guaranteed to make me bawl like a baby. On the other hand...I appreciate the fact that it's "dvr'd" so I can watch it when I Need to.
I've noticed lately, that it seems to be based out of Fort Campbell, KY..and most of the families live in Clarksville, TN. Which, to those that don't realize, is where Matthew started. 101st Airborne, is where Matthew originated in his military career. I can't help but notice all the 101st Airborne patches on the uniforms of the men and women featured on this show because to me, it's him.
Seeing and feeling what these families go through during a deployment really touches home with me. The feelings of watching them leave...and the feelings of watching them come home. I've experienced both with Matthew now...and it's always so emotional. However, these days, I'm so emotional, that pretty much anything can bring a tear to my eyes...but I can feel these particular situations because I know personally, what they feel like.
You never really know what it's going to be like to see them again in person. The anxiousness and nervousness can be overwhelming...but I do know this; No matter how many emotions are running through a loved ones body at the moment that a soldier comes home...they're body reacts the same. Arms stretched out and embracing the one that they've been missing for all these months...even years. When it comes down to it, all you want to do is hold them again to know that they are real and they are home. Period. No if's, no and's, no but's. Just happy to see them home.

Fighting the Night

2011-04-15T03:15:00.002-07:00

We're down to 3 months left in this deployment. That fact doesn't make each day any easier. I have dreams...actually, more like nightmares. Senses of confusion and dismay. I have no idea what the future holds, and I really have no idea what must go through his mind out there in the Afghan desert...but if it's anything like what goes through my mind here at home...it can't be all good.
I sincerely try to focus on the positive. Try to remember all the cherished memories that we share...and I can only Pray that those memories are in his thoughts too. The nights are the hardest. When my thoughts are left in the quiet...loud enough to constantly be heard. So tired, but without sleep, because all of those thoughts keep me awake. Wondering, waiting, missing, loving, longing, reminiscing, hoping, praying,....anything but restful.
I'm so scared, but trying to be the strong pillar that keeps this all together. Trying to be supportive and encouraging of his efforts, no matter how much I don't know. I watch videos of other's journey's over there and find myself hoping and dreading at the same time that I'll catch even a simple glimpse of him in those videos. Wondering when I don't, if he is seeing sights similar to these. Hoping that when he finally comes back home, that he'll be able to strengthen himself within, using these awful, but educational memories. Will he even tell me of the things he's seen? Or will he hide it from me, thinking it's in my best interest? Does he realize how much he means to me, and that the fact that I watch these videos, is merely a way to be closer to him?
Deployment is obviously not an easy journey....and it is honestly something I never thought I'd endure, but this man, is so much more than a journey in my heart. Matthew is the man that I love. This is no ordinary love, this is a staple in the destiny of life. I knew it the first time I saw him. I've prayed to God time and time before about this...and I truly believe that it was my destiny to be with this man through this deployment. I have remained and have absolutely no problem remaining faithful to this man. He is all I want and he is all I need. I am human, however, and as a human, I have human fears. Will he understand the love that I've had for him? Will he believe in it? Will he trust it? Will he constantly question it based on statistics and past experiences? Or will there be a voice in his heart that tells him that everything is as it should be?
This is what plagues me in the night. This is what plagues my dreams. These are my fears and questions. But I know in my heart and soul that no matter what...I chose this path based on love. Nothing more...pure and simple and delicate and faithful...LOVE.

In Her Shoes

2010-12-28T14:13:00.003-07:00

I used to sit and watch her suffer in her own misery. Listen to her curse the God's and demand to know why life was so hard for her. Always blaming Them for her misery. Watching her try to drink her sorrows away as if the whiskey held the secret or the reason for them. I always wondered why she allowed herself to feel that way. Why she continued to walk down this path of nothingness. As I sit here today, feeling such sorrows...although whiskey is not my drowning pool of choice, the sadness is quite enough. I hear the voice within me say that I don't have to feel this way. But the emotions tell a different story. The loneliness and frustration consumes me sometimes and I find myself withdrawn. Funny...loneliness makes me want to be alone. I constantly search for the silver lining...the breath of life that will keep me going and sometimes it reveals itself in a smile...but the tears find they're way down my face nonetheless.
I don't want to feel this way. But as she used to say...is this just destined to be?

Fighting Through This Deployment

2010-12-27T22:15:00.003-07:00

Emotions run through me like a roller coaster in the rain. Although I'm in for the ride, some parts are a pain. Some parts hurt.I can't describe the feeling most of the time but I do know that I don't want to get off. I can't get off. I made a commitment here. I intend to follow through.
It's just crazy sometimes, how much I miss you.
I sit still, but I can't stop the rush of emotions within. I can't keep my hands busy enough, but I don't want to do anything. Sometimes, I wanna scream. Sometimes, I wanna cry. Sometimes I laugh as I think back on you and I.
I'm crazy about you. I'm crazy without you. I pray you make it back home to me...both physically and mentally.
God knows I have been, and will be waiting until that beautiful day finally comes.
Until then, I lay stirring...as impatient as possible. We're gonna make it baby.

lunar eclipse

2010-12-21T00:01:00.003-07:00

I put on my black sweater and grabbed a cigarette. Put on my slippers and went out onto the back patio. Held the unlit cigarette in my hand while I tried to see the lunar eclipse...but it was just above the roof and straining to look at. So I stared off...as I always do. As if searching to find you. Wondering what you're doing right at that moment. I feel sad and happy all at once. Sad because I miss you, happy because I Love you.
I finally light the cigarette, only to wander off with you in thought and let the thing just burn away. But I pay no mind to that really...I'm still smiling to the memory that just floated through me like an agile butterfly in a snow storm. I hope you know how I meant that. I miss you so much it hurts, but I love you so much, it hurts less.
Finally the cigarette is through and I'm still standing there....with my eyes closed, still off running around with you and then I look back up at the moon, straining my neck to see how much shadow it's gained...wondering if you're able to see it at all.

Hello again....

2010-09-13T21:00:00.003-07:00

I realize it's been a few months since my last entry. The lack of internet service at home will do that.

Lots has happened! My divorce is almost final...and let me just say.......Thank goodness for that! Not to say my ex-husband and I ended it on bad terms or anything, but it was just time to move on.
As for me...I've been living in my own apartment, working as much as possible and trying to get this life of mine together.
I've never lived on my own before...not really at least. Always had a roommate or a man living with me, so this experience has been amazing! It's what I've always needed, but never had the chance to do. Life had other plans for me.

I am in love again. But....it's a different kind of love. As he is far away right now. Will be overseas shortly serving our country. Something that scares me to death...but I love this man so much. I have every confidence in him and I believe this time apart is great for both of us. It's allowing us to show each other and ourselves, just how much we really love and care about each other. It's brought us so much closer to each other, and I've experienced more love with him than I ever have before.
Yes, sure, we have great chemistry in person. We make each other laugh...we can talk to each other about anything...we make a great team and we share many interests.
This too, I've never experienced before. Actually being myself, and knowing who that is...and feeling comfortable with someone else. I'll spend the rest of my life with this man someday. We may even have more children. But for now...it's about seeing him through this deployment...and him getting back home safely.

I love you baby.

Happy Mother's Day (?)

2010-05-09T11:58:00.002-07:00

It's that day again. The day when we give thanks and show appreciation for our Mother's. The women who'd sacrifice their lives for us. The ones who showed us how to brush our teeth, how to wipe front to back...lol, explained the birds and the bees....gave us our first razor for shaving. Everywhere you go today, you'll see mom's with their children, young and old, having lunch, dinner...shopping, getting mani/pedi's............but will I be one of them? Nope.

I should feel joy today. I should feel special, because I have 5 beautiful children who I love more than life itself. However, I can't help but feel selfish on this day, because all I can feel is pain and resentment. Anger. Oh, but don't feel left out dad...I'll feel this way on Father's Day too. But that's for another post.....

I've never believed my mother to be a horrible person. She's just a good person, who experienced alot of pain, which in turn, caused her to become something she should have never been. Long story short, I often feel as if Whiskey won over me. I remember the good ole' days when my mom would roll pennies, just to make sure she got that bottle...even when my shoes were so ugly, the kids at school made fun of me. But as long as mom had that bottle, she was happy, and everyone else was too.

But let me stop with that...today should be about my kids and me. Not the constant pain I carry with me day to day.

I got to talk to Drake today! With him being in Wisconsin with his dad...I miss him so much. But talking to him always makes me laugh...he's so energetic. He talks a mile a second. Get's frustrating sometimes, cause he'll ask me a question and start talking again before I can even fully answer. :) That's my Drake. Motor mouth/Genuis! I have plans to get him down here this summer. I haven't seen him in 2 years. His father and I don't talk, which is bad, but even when contact is attempted, it goes unanswered. I don't call Drake, because no one ever answers. I send Drake emails, but a reply is based on whether or not he gets computer access. So he calls me on Sundays. Usually after I've already gone to work...at which I am unable to answer my phone being that I work in a restaurant.
The rest of my kids are on their way over to have lunch with me before I go to work.

But someone once told me...."Nothing bad lasts for forever". That coming from a man who fought overseas in Iraq. If he can tell himself that...there is no reason why I can't.

happy mother's day. Cherish your mother if you are lucky enough to have one in your life. Blood or not. Because living without one can cause more damage than you can imagine.

So here I am....

2010-05-02T11:22:00.002-07:00

broke, stressed and wondering how I'm gonna make it. Amazingly, in my heart, I know that things are going to be ok. I'm not sure where that comes from. There are certainly days when I feel like giving up. I'm sure most people have moments where all they wanna do is get into their car, fill the tank up with gas, and drive till they run out. That thought has occurred to me a few times lately. But that's not necessary. I'll figure all this out. One way or another. It's never easy, it's not going to be easy for a long time. My body is worn out, my mind is constantly racing, but the smile remains on my face. I will get through this. Not only for myself, but for my kids. I am strong and I can conquer all the things working against me.

One step at a time.......

It's Been 1 Year, 3 Months, & 18 Days.....

2010-04-27T15:02:00.002-07:00

Since I've written in this blog. Life has certainly changed quite a bit since January 9th, 2009. I don't even know where to begin with all of this...I'm still sorting it all out myself. Everyday seems like a whirlwind of change and possibility. Stresses and moments of pure joy. Lack of sleep and unbelievable energy.
I'll do my best to fill you in on everything. Bare with me....my pace may fluctuate!

Let's start with today...and work our way back and forth shall we....

I live in Mesa, AZ now. In apartments! So exciting for me, because I never had a place of my own before. (Always lived with another adult) A tiny step in life that I somehow managed to miss, that I finally got back to.
My husband Brian, and I, are getting a divorce. I'm sure we could both give you many reasons why and go on and on about how hard everything got, or how far we grew apart, but the fact of the matter is, we made it as far as we could go. Now it's time to take different paths. We'll remain friends and will continue to raise our children the best way we know how. Separation did wonders for our communication skills. We've both also matured from this experience. Will we get back together? No. Our lives have changed. We've changed. Or maybe it was just me. Either way, we're two different people now and things are fine the way they are.
The kids have done great during all of this, so far. Gavin may have acted out a little in the beginning, (when Brian and I were still 'workin out the kinks') but he's gotten much better. It's almost as if the kids can see and feel how much better this is, vs. how things were getting.

So here I am...28, 5 kids, about to be divorced twice, living in an apartment on my own, working in a restaurant as a serv(ant)er during the slowest season imaginable, trying to make ends meet, and trying to figure out how to go back to school AND find a 2nd job!

Let the good times roll!

My heart goes out....

2009-01-09T01:39:00.003-07:00

I had a wonderful night tonite. After work...grabbed a drink with a couple friends and even ran into some old ones!!
Sang loudly to some old but fun songs on the jukebox...and as I drove home, I see the lights up ahead. I begin to fear. As I get closer, I can tell it's an accident. A truck had smashed into the back of a semi. The entire front end is flat as a pancake. And all I can think about is that phone call. The mother, or father...the wife or the husband...the son or daughter, who's getting that phone call about their loved one being in that accident. I couldn't tell if the person was alright, cause it was dark and I didn't see anyone....there was of course an ambulance and fire truck and several police cars.....but who could be certain whether or not the person in that truck survived.

It makes me think about how grateful and lucky we all are to have people in our lives who love us. It's those people who make every horrible day tolerable...who make the bad times seem better...and who make the good times so memorable. You really never know when a day may be your last.
Cherish, love, and be kind. Remember that life is precious and is truly a gift. Let go of regret and lost things, because when/if God forbid, you should come across a tragic day...those 'things' and 'regrets' will mean nothing and those you loved and cherished will mean everything.

Lord...my heart goes out to those in need tonite...to those who suffer and loathe in pain and loss. Wrap Your all-loving arms around them and hold them tight, for they need to see Your light. Remind them that You love them and that with a little bit of time, everything will be alright. Amen.

The Negativity of it All

2008-11-25T23:23:00.003-07:00

Living this life is hard enough as it is. Negativity seems to be spreading faster and farther throughout our schools, media, neighborhoods, even jobs and it just seems to me that it's like a disease that finds you and latches on.

How many times in your life can you remember a "negative" person ruining your whole day? I can think of plenty.

And I don't just mean negative as a person who says "no" a lot either. I'm talking about that lady, that no matter how many times you smile at her, continues to treat you like a rat. Or that guy who is in such a rush to get nowhere, nearly cuts you off just to get a car length ahead of you. I'm talking about that person who complains constantly about everything and acts so selfishly to get what they want from you and never gives back in return.

Now, let me stop there and tell you that I'm not an angel when it comes to the above. I believe we all have our good and bad days. Negativity IS everywhere and even the least likeliest of people tend to express it. I'm no different.

Back to the topic...

it's THOSE constantly negative people that pretty much stand in our way of being happy.
Now, I'm coming up on my 6th week in a row of attending church, and yes, I feel like I've had to "battle my demons" a little more than usual......or is it simply that by going to church and searching for answers to life's questions, you might actually be getting answers???? Maybe I'm noticing "my demons" a little more because "something" is showing me.

Call me crazy, but it does make a little sense!

Every morning, I tell myself that I'm going to do more today and mope around less. I'm going to smile more and complain less. I'm going to talk to someone I don't know and reconnect with an old friend! Do I always succeed? Of course not, I'm not a robot!! I can't just MAKE myself be more positive overnight!

But I can say one thing that most of the world can't say right now....and that is:

I'M TRYING.

I want to be a better person. Not that I think I'm a horrible person now, or anyone else that I know for that matter.

Like I said in the beginning: Life is hard enough to live as it is....why make it worse for yourself or anyone else?

From Luke 6:27

"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.

If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners', expecting to repaid in full.

But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

Up-Hill Battle

2008-11-20T14:47:00.004-07:00

I have a really difficult time putting into words the way I've been feeling lately. As if something is changing. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I feel like something big is happening. I've found myself making changes that I wouldn't have necessarily expected myself to make. All in all, I believe this is good, but I can't begin to tell you how hard it's been.

So here goes nothin...

I feel like my emotions, as well as thoughts, have been all over the map!

As if I'm being pulled in several different directions. Kind of like being in a maze. (which totally scare me by the way...just the thought of being trapped and lost in a maze sends shivers down my spine!)

It's definitely an up-hill battle that I often fear of losing. My Emotions and my Thoughts sometimes run so closely together that it's hard to decipher between the two.

I've begun praying alot lately. Which I have found helps me so much!!! It also brings forth the demons that plague me! I suppose the good thing here is that because of my prayers, I believe I've been able to realize the difference between the demons and angels, so to speak. It really is amazing when you truly start believing in God and His power and the power that is available to you, because once you begin to use it, you can see so many things differently!!! So much clearer! I've begun to feel myself filling with light! I am gaining the ability to overcome things in a more positive less-destructive way! (destructive meaning = less pity party, self-loathing, etc)

I'm sure most people have their own "uphill battle" they're dealing with in their life and I really believe that once you identify the opponent, it's easier to carry out plans of defense that bring you closer to victory. Everyone's demons are different, the challenges we face in this life are unique and it's up to us to take the steps towards changing what needs to be changed and dealing with what needs to be dealt with.

I've realized that I've been a bit distant lately with friends and family...and it's hasn't been intentional, but I think that, for me, when something in my life needs to be dealt with, it's easier to take myself away from everything to view it differently. Sort of like that "outside in" saying. It's always after you part from a situation that you're finally able to see what really happened. Along with the saying, "Don't know what you've got, till it's gone".

Church has been a great help in this!! I really do believe it! I feel like I'm answering a call that's been coming in for a LONG time!

I know most of this probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I have to write it like I think it....lol. I'm sure this won't be the last of the Confusing Jessi Rambles.

I'd just like to end with this: Life IS an up-hill battle is one way or another, as God's Children I believe we are all here to advance and learn...and I'm definitely learning!

So even though the hill's seem high and relentless, keep your focus on God above and He'll guide you...even when you don't necessarily feel it, He's there, so keep going!

8 Months?

2008-11-17T23:39:00.006-07:00

Has it really been 8 months since I posted on here? WOW! I suppose it has!
Well, life has changed so much in the last 8 months! Schedules are hectic, kids are bigger, life is just busier.
Not to say that I haven't had the desire to write...or jot down some of the thoughts that run through my head, but again, time is precious and most times, for most people...sitting down and writing about their thoughts takes time and quiet...which are two things we don't get much of these days. :)
You should see my cell phone notepad...it has several small 3-4 word entries of things I need to vent or talk about...so here's a small vow to myself:
I promise to get on here at least once a week and write something...no matter how long or short.

There! Be back in a week.....or sooner!

To the Grand Canyon....and Back!

2008-03-19T08:00:00.004-07:00

So Brian's mom and Grandma came into town last Friday and there was a plan from the beginning to go see the Grand Canyon and Sedona. Well, after Brian had to play 4 games of Softball on Sunday and pulling his hamstring, we decided to only go to one. So Grand Canyon, here we come!

We got up at 4AM on Monday morning and headed out around 6. Driving out of Phoenix north on the 17 was absolutely beautiful!!! We had never had the chance to go up that way before considering when we moved down here, we were forced to take an alternate route due to snow storms. I LOVE the mountaineous climbs and all the scenery!! However, I do NOT enjoy driving in SNOW! YES, we ran into snow! Not so much falling from the sky, but on the ground. Fortunately, the roads were pretty clear, but I was driving cautious and since my husband was driving in the car behind me, he was a little irritated with that fact, but I didn't care, I didn't wanna be flyin down the highway and hit a patch of ice!

We arrived at the Grand Canyon at around noon. Sooooo worth it! The views were amazing and I have to say that it was fun to see the kids playing in snow! The babies really hadn't seen snow since they were infant age, so they were having a blast! The fact that it was so cold didn't seem to effect them because of this.

We took many, many, many pictures!!! I've attached one that I'm fond of....;)

IT was so much fun and we were so tired and my poor hubby did so good considering he was in so much pain, but I think walking it out helped him a bit.

It wasn't until we hit Mesa on the way back home that someone tried to kill us on the highway! A Semi pulled into my lane and I had NO where to go! Luckily, the car to the left of me saw what was happening and was able to get over.....thank the lord, because even slowing down, the truck still would have hit the front of our car if I hadn't gotten over to the left a little! My husband was pretty angry seems how he saw all of this from behind me. It was really scary!!!!!

I have fears of being run off the road by semi's or worse, so this didn't help much!

But all in all, it was a good trip and I'm glad we were able to go. The roads were all clearer on the way home and we stopped off at good ole' Cracker Barrel to have dinner!!! I LOVE Cracker Barrel! I sometimes miss working there because of the 50% discount! LOL!

Scary Dream Update: Interpretation....

2008-02-27T00:36:00.002-07:00

So I found this website....suppoosedly the #1 rated dream interpretation site on the net...and this is what it had to say about my dreams from the other night:

Regarding my death:
"To dream of your own death, indicates a transitional phase in your life. You are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Alternatively, you are trying desperately to escape the demands of your daily life."

Regarding war:
"To dream of a war, signifies disorder and chaos in your personal affairs. You also be experiencing some internal conflict or emotional struggle. You are feeling torn between aspects of yourself. Perhaps the dream may indicate that you are being overly aggressive or you are not being assertive enough."

So simple...huh?
The site also said that sometimes dreams will come acrossed as scary to get your attention...make you remember it more vividly.
Sure works.
The war dream is somewhat recurring, I'm always having dreams about war beginning, and the end of the world. Recurring dreams were said on the site, to be messages trying deperately to get through to you. Basically means there's a lesson I'm not learning.
Interesting....

Scary Dreams

2008-02-26T17:08:00.004-07:00

They say never to tell anyone about your dreams, for they won't come true! WELL, I'm tellin everyone I can about this one because I surely do not want it coming true! Most of the time we have scary dreams and we wake up and we forget about them. Well, these are sticking with me for some reason...I woke up from the first one, took a few deep breaths, and went back to sleep assuming the dream was over, but it only continued. I woke again, toke some more deep breaths, and went back to sleep, and yet still again, it was back!

It started with a simply evening out with the family...Brian was playing basketball and Gavin was running around playing with other kids. I was just watching them both. Don't ask me where the babies were, I have no clue. I'm guessing this dream just wasn't really about them. So we're getting ready to leave and Brian heads to the car while I go get Gavin.
I find Gavin being bullied by a group of kids and as I walk up to them, I tell them to leave him alone and tell him to come on.
As I walk passed the girl in front of the group, she spins me around and swoops behind me, jabbing me above the left front side of my hip with a knife. She repeatedly did this until my body hit the ground. As she ran away, I remember seeing Gavin freaking out and I was trying to tell him I was ok, but when as I stood up and shouted to him he couldn't seem to hear me. I turned around and saw my body lying on the ground lifeless.

I wake up.

At this point, I'm breathing pretty heavily and I calm down and go back to sleep. The sleep continues with us driving around watching mass hysteria begin. We're not sure why and can't seem to get an answer from anyone. We begin to see that cars are being lifted from the ground by some kind of aircraft and once they are lifted high enough and then attached by other aircraft shooting them. A war is beginning in the sky. The strange part that makes me feel like the 2nd dream is connected to the first, is the fact that no matter who I speak to in the 2nd dream, NO ONE seems to hear me, as if I'm not really there. My husband is driving like a bat out of hell to get through all the chaos, and I'm trying to tell him to slow down, but he's not listening. When the car is stopped, I'm yelling to people to tell us what's going on, particularly police officers and I'm getting absolutely no response. Not even so much as an acknowledgement.

People are starting to shoot each other, police are going crazy and just killing everyone in sight because they don't know who's human and who's not. My son is killed in this process. But no matter what I say, there's no answer....to hint of acknowledgement.

Today, when Autumn's dad came to pick her up, I was on the phone telling someone about this dream and he kinda chuckled and told me that 3 different ancient calendars say something about our "age" or this planet ending in December of 2012. Nice.

This is not the first instance of my having dreams like this. I've had several dreams of being killed and I've had several dreams of world destruction.

Maybe it's all the tv I watch, maybe it's not.
All I know, is that if the world is going to end, I'd really rather not know about it ahead of time.

Got a new Car

2008-02-14T09:15:00.004-07:00

So it all started a couple of weeks ago when we took our Impala in to a mechanic to get an oil change and to have some popping noises looked at.

The popping noises turned out to be a steering wheel issue that was easily fixed and we found out our front axles needed replacing. So the whole day cost us $600. Not pretty, but needed to be done and was done!

We get the car home and go to the store and notice that the oil change was NEVER done! UGH!

So the next day, I take it up to Wal-Mart so I can do some Super Bowl shopping while the oil is changed and the mechanic tells me he can't do it because my car is overheating and is leaking coolant everywhere!!! The amazing part is, it wasn't leaking onto the ground...

So Brian takes the day off of work on Tuesday to take the car back in to a DIFFERENT mechanic and they tell us that the coolant has been leaking into the bottom of the engine, our head gasket has blown and we would need a new engine!!! ARE you KIDDING ME? After we just dropped $600 at the last place for some friggin axles, now we need a new engine??? Oh, but they can get us a used one for about $3,000 or $4,000!!!! We just DON'T have that!!!

Totally ticked us off, because the 2nd mechanic told us that if the first place would have done the oil change like we asked, they would have found that problem!!! At which point we would have just brought the car back home instead of wasting $600 on new axles for a car we can't drive anyway!! You couldn't get 5 miles down the road without it overheating now!

Amazing how this problem didn't get noticeably bad until AFTER the first mechanic works on it....hmmmm.

Anywho, so Brian goes to this car lot that he had been driving past for months on his way to and from work! Walks right in, sits right down, puts $200 on a car and comes home! That easy huh? Should've done that a LONG time ago!

We could have put that $600 towards the new car rather than giving it to those incompetant mechanics!

The funny part with the new car is that he brought home a 2004 Pontiac Grand Am. At first we were satisfied with our last minute choice...but after driving it around for a couple days, we started realizing that maybe it was the wrong choice. It had a brand new sparkly engine in it, which was great, but meant that it obviously HAD to be replaced. The windshield had been replaced as well, because the stripping along the sides kept trying to come off. Because it was a 2004, there was no warranty on it, which made me uneasy. Especially after what we had just wen through with the Impala, I really just wanted something we could rely on for a while. Not to mention the 20 Carfax reports that came up on the car. We couldn't view them because you have to PAY to do that...but 20 reports was enough for me to get a bad feeling about this car.

So on Thursday, I was supposed to go up to the dealership to sign paperwork on the Pontiac.

Instead, we went up there and got a different car and returned the Pontiac, after I explained my concerns to them! They understood and granted our wishes.

So now, we have a 2007 Chrysler Sebring. It looks small, but there's actually MORE room in it than the pontiac had. It only has 13,000 miles on it instead of 67,000 that the Pontiac had and the Chrysler is still under Factory warranty, as well as dealer warranty.

The most amazing part is that the Chrysler only cost about $2000 more than the Pontiac did!!! WOW! We got quite the deal! We're happy now, however family road trips won't be an option for a while.

We plan to sell the Impala in a couple months when it's paid off, and then depending on how the money situation is, we may look into getting another car, but we're thinking we may wait at least a year for that. We just couldn't afford something big enough for ALL of us! LOL...Hell, we NEED a BUS! :)

Wish us luck!

Whew! Day 1 is OVER!

2008-01-22T13:44:00.002-07:00

Ok, it really wasn't that bad!!! It went really good actually. My first day of home preschool was fun and Lucas did very well for being in a new place!!! It was actually a half day for him today, so it was kind of nice to have a shorter time than normal to get to know him!!

In home preschool we hung up ABC's along the wall and decorated paper hearts with stickers and drew on papers!! We had reading time and then had song and dance time!!

We didn't do from 9 AM - 11 AM like I had wanted to, but I expected delay in the beginning. I know it's going to take some getting everyone adjusted to a new routine.

I actually have a meeting with another mom tomorrow for her 2 year old daughter! She'll be part time, which is nice. A week ago, I thought I'd be watching 3 other toddlers on top of my own fulltime, so it's kind of relieving to know that's not happening now!! I was getting a little overwhelmed!! I have a tendency of working myself too much all at once instead of easing into things!!! LOL!

So far so good!

It's 8:40 AM....

2008-01-22T08:40:00.000-07:00

and I'm already tired! Lucas is a great big ball of energy. I suppose he's not too much different from my own kids, but it's always different when it's someone else's child!! :)
He talks a mile a minute and I can't understand a word of it!! Then he had to go pee!! (he's in the process of potty training) So I took him in there and put him on the potty, and I suppose because I'm so used to my kids being able to do it on their own, I left him there....a few minutes later he's hollering at me and I go in there and he has peed on his shirt!!
WOW! A tad bit more challenging than I thought!!
Breakfast went rather well though...they all seemed to like the eggs over toast with fruit on the side!!
My projected preschool time is supposed to start in 15 minutes and they're just finishing up breakfast now....hmmm....I guess starting a new routine takes time.

:)

Off I go...wish me luck. (again)

Tomorrow is the beginning....

2008-01-21T22:26:00.000-07:00

Of a new path. I'm a little excited and a little nervous. I've been babysitting an infant since August and have decided to take it a step further and start watching older kids and teaching preschool to both them and my kids. This is going to be tough and beneficial all at the same time!! I really have high hopes that this will be successful. My husband and I have been struggling financially for a while now and some of that is thanks to the Mortgage industry market being so low. Hubby's bonuses haven't been all that great lately. So I looked into going back to work. However, even after my first interview, reality set in when I contacted several child care providers, only to find that 3/4's of my paycheck would be given to them. How depressing! I know for a fact that I would not be happy doing that. SO, I thought I may as well stick to what I'm doing and just kick it up a notch. I looked into preschool at home and found that doing it would be easier than I thought!! So here we go!!!
My first new child starts tomorrow. His name is Lucas and he's 2 years old. Wish me luck!!!

Fine! Call me crazy!

2008-01-21T03:03:00.000-07:00

I just love Lisa Williams! Who is Lisa Williams you ask? Well, let me tell you! She is a medium and clairvoyant! Ok, go ahead, call me nuts and stop reading! LOL!

Seriously, she has even wowed my husband and if you know my husband, you know she must be something pretty amazing! We first saw her on the Lifetime channel. Her show was called Lisa Williams: Life Among the Dead.

Now, I myself, am a critic! Almost every episode I rolled my eyes at least once. I couldn't help it! We live in a world where miracles are constantly being turned into coincidences! Where common courtesy is just plain old manipulation. A smile is nothing but a way out of explaining what's wrong!!! So of course I question her. But it never failed....by the end of every episode, I would find myself dumbfounded!! How in the world is she pulling this off! I mean, unless SHE was hiring private investigators to look into these people's deep and personal lives/past, there's no way she could have known the things she was saying!!! The reaction on these people's faces was in no way rehearsed!!! Even the people she approached on the street with the same criticism displayed in their eyes, would be in tears by the time she was through!!!

For reasons unknown to me and to many other's, Lifetime has decided not to continue with her show. She does have a website and a blog out there that I have recently found and it appears to really be her on the blog. She updates it regularly and actually just started it in December. Her new book is going to be released in April and you can bet that I'll be reading it!!! Whoo hoo!

You can find her blog here: http://lisawilliamsblog.com/

It never hurts to check something out...you'd be surprised at how open your mind can be if you allow it!

XOXO