New Missions in life

"Well...I guess that's it." Matthew and I are no more. Well. At least not physically. In an attempt to briefly explain what happened...he came home, we were both a little different, we struggled, we fought, we tried so hard, and then we decided to just stop it. I say "we" loosely. However, no one person is to blame for the end of something beautiful. My heart hurts so much for him. Or maybe it's the hole that remains that I'm feeling. Afterall, I told him over 2 years ago that he had my heart. I made a promise to God and to him, that he would always have my heart. I believe God heard me. Either that or He's making sure I don't forget "I asked for it". Matthew, however...doesn't seem to believe it. No matter what we've been through, how much I tried to prove myself, in Matthew's mind, he is just unable to accept that he had something so real. His pushing me away was supposed to have subsided once he returned home...give or take a few months to re-coop, but it never did. If anything, it got worse. I have so many theories as to why things ended up like this. Maybe Matthew couldn't handle dealing with me AND the adjustment to being home from war at the same time. Maybe the circumstances in which we met, became friends, and fell in love was too much for him to accept. Maybe the time we were apart was just too long and our individual growth during that time changed us too much. Or hell, maybe it was just the fatal combination of all of the above that caused a storm strong enough to actually destroy us. We lost our way. We lost our strength. We lost each other.
We're not married, but I made a vow. I made a promise over and over again. I can still feel what we had inside of me and it's stronger than ever. He may not get to see that for a while. I may not get to see his face or hear his voice for a while, but the fact of the matter is that I love him.
I haven't handled this long, drawn-out breakup so well. I tend to run from pain...or find ways to numb it. Then I hide myself away from the world for a while and allow myself to be depressed about it. Then I finally try to think positive and find some peace out of all this. Then I talk to him. We're both guilty of it. We agree to stop contacting each other and then one of us caves within a day or two. Sometimes, we even see each other. That's really bad. Because then we share a connection and no matter what I say...I feel that hope again. I feel like maybe this time it'll stick. When it doesn't, I start the whole process over again. He's a part of me. Sometimes I battle within about whether or not he's a good part, but regardless. Our souls intertwined something serious! I cannot figure out how to let him go. I've tried just about everything and nothing is working.
So then what am I going to do now you ask? School. Work. Kids. Friends. Wow. The order in which I just had to list those is exactly what I'm stuck in right now. School is number one and that is what I have to focus on if I want to succeed at it and become the woman and psychologist that I need to be. Work is next because that is what I have to do to survive while taking school head on. Kids...oh.
My babies. I miss them so much. I stare at them every single day since I have pictures of them all over my room. I never thought I would ever be in a situation where I couldn't see my babies every single day. People probably think I handle it too well. I kinda make sure of that, but, my kids are my world. Do you know what gets me through all the time without them? ...Knowing, hoping, Praying, that one day real soon they will understand what I had to do. I enjoy every single hour I get to spend with them when I can and they inspire me further and give me a reason to pursue these dreams. That is all I would ever wish upon them. However, only getting to see them overy 2 weeks is killing me. It's not enough. For them, or for me. Ahhh...I just keep telling myself, "It's almost over", "It will all be better soon", "I will get this all figured out"!
Friends...ya, I love my friends. I will need them from time to time to make sure I don't turn into a vampire or somethin. Get me out and social and active...I need that to breathe!!! Everything will turn out as it is supposed to. I can't see the future, so I have no idea if Matthew and I will end up together again. I do know however, that I don't want to be with any other man. I just don't. I'm happy having friends I can hang out with and having my own life to live. I hope him and I get that movie-worthy moment..lol. As much as I love fairytales, I know damn well I don't live in one. :)
In the meantime...no more Matthew. No more relationship stuff at all.I am A mother who needs and loves her children. A student on her way to a career that will help people live better lives. A woman on a mission.