So here I am....

broke, stressed and wondering how I'm gonna make it. Amazingly, in my heart, I know that things are going to be ok. I'm not sure where that comes from. There are certainly days when I feel like giving up. I'm sure most people have moments where all they wanna do is get into their car, fill the tank up with gas, and drive till they run out. That thought has occurred to me a few times lately. But that's not necessary. I'll figure all this out. One way or another. It's never easy, it's not going to be easy for a long time. My body is worn out, my mind is constantly racing, but the smile remains on my face. I will get through this. Not only for myself, but for my kids. I am strong and I can conquer all the things working against me.

One step at a time.......

It's Been 1 Year, 3 Months, & 18 Days.....

Since I've written in this blog. Life has certainly changed quite a bit since January 9th, 2009. I don't even know where to begin with all of this...I'm still sorting it all out myself. Everyday seems like a whirlwind of change and possibility. Stresses and moments of pure joy. Lack of sleep and unbelievable energy.
I'll do my best to fill you in on everything. Bare with me....my pace may fluctuate!

Let's start with today...and work our way back and forth shall we....

I live in Mesa, AZ now. In apartments! So exciting for me, because I never had a place of my own before. (Always lived with another adult) A tiny step in life that I somehow managed to miss, that I finally got back to.
My husband Brian, and I, are getting a divorce. I'm sure we could both give you many reasons why and go on and on about how hard everything got, or how far we grew apart, but the fact of the matter is, we made it as far as we could go. Now it's time to take different paths. We'll remain friends and will continue to raise our children the best way we know how. Separation did wonders for our communication skills. We've both also matured from this experience. Will we get back together? No. Our lives have changed. We've changed. Or maybe it was just me. Either way, we're two different people now and things are fine the way they are.
The kids have done great during all of this, so far. Gavin may have acted out a little in the beginning, (when Brian and I were still 'workin out the kinks') but he's gotten much better. It's almost as if the kids can see and feel how much better this is, vs. how things were getting.

So here I am...28, 5 kids, about to be divorced twice, living in an apartment on my own, working in a restaurant as a serv(ant)er during the slowest season imaginable, trying to make ends meet, and trying to figure out how to go back to school AND find a 2nd job!

Let the good times roll!

My heart goes out....

I had a wonderful night tonite. After work...grabbed a drink with a couple friends and even ran into some old ones!!
Sang loudly to some old but fun songs on the jukebox...and as I drove home, I see the lights up ahead. I begin to fear. As I get closer, I can tell it's an accident. A truck had smashed into the back of a semi. The entire front end is flat as a pancake. And all I can think about is that phone call. The mother, or father...the wife or the husband...the son or daughter, who's getting that phone call about their loved one being in that accident. I couldn't tell if the person was alright, cause it was dark and I didn't see anyone....there was of course an ambulance and fire truck and several police cars.....but who could be certain whether or not the person in that truck survived.

It makes me think about how grateful and lucky we all are to have people in our lives who love us. It's those people who make every horrible day tolerable...who make the bad times seem better...and who make the good times so memorable. You really never know when a day may be your last.
Cherish, love, and be kind. Remember that life is precious and is truly a gift. Let go of regret and lost things, because when/if God forbid, you should come across a tragic day...those 'things' and 'regrets' will mean nothing and those you loved and cherished will mean everything.

Lord...my heart goes out to those in need tonite...to those who suffer and loathe in pain and loss. Wrap Your all-loving arms around them and hold them tight, for they need to see Your light. Remind them that You love them and that with a little bit of time, everything will be alright. Amen.

The Negativity of it All

Living this life is hard enough as it is. Negativity seems to be spreading faster and farther throughout our schools, media, neighborhoods, even jobs and it just seems to me that it's like a disease that finds you and latches on.

How many times in your life can you remember a "negative" person ruining your whole day? I can think of plenty.

And I don't just mean negative as a person who says "no" a lot either. I'm talking about that lady, that no matter how many times you smile at her, continues to treat you like a rat. Or that guy who is in such a rush to get nowhere, nearly cuts you off just to get a car length ahead of you. I'm talking about that person who complains constantly about everything and acts so selfishly to get what they want from you and never gives back in return.

Now, let me stop there and tell you that I'm not an angel when it comes to the above. I believe we all have our good and bad days. Negativity IS everywhere and even the least likeliest of people tend to express it. I'm no different.

Back to the topic...

it's THOSE constantly negative people that pretty much stand in our way of being happy.
Now, I'm coming up on my 6th week in a row of attending church, and yes, I feel like I've had to "battle my demons" a little more than usual......or is it simply that by going to church and searching for answers to life's questions, you might actually be getting answers???? Maybe I'm noticing "my demons" a little more because "something" is showing me.

Call me crazy, but it does make a little sense!

Every morning, I tell myself that I'm going to do more today and mope around less. I'm going to smile more and complain less. I'm going to talk to someone I don't know and reconnect with an old friend! Do I always succeed? Of course not, I'm not a robot!! I can't just MAKE myself be more positive overnight!

But I can say one thing that most of the world can't say right now....and that is:

I'M TRYING.

I want to be a better person. Not that I think I'm a horrible person now, or anyone else that I know for that matter.

Like I said in the beginning: Life is hard enough to live as it is....why make it worse for yourself or anyone else?

From Luke 6:27

"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.

If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners', expecting to repaid in full.

But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

Up-Hill Battle

I have a really difficult time putting into words the way I've been feeling lately. As if something is changing. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I feel like something big is happening. I've found myself making changes that I wouldn't have necessarily expected myself to make. All in all, I believe this is good, but I can't begin to tell you how hard it's been.

So here goes nothin...

I feel like my emotions, as well as thoughts, have been all over the map!

As if I'm being pulled in several different directions. Kind of like being in a maze. (which totally scare me by the way...just the thought of being trapped and lost in a maze sends shivers down my spine!)

It's definitely an up-hill battle that I often fear of losing. My Emotions and my Thoughts sometimes run so closely together that it's hard to decipher between the two.

I've begun praying alot lately. Which I have found helps me so much!!! It also brings forth the demons that plague me! I suppose the good thing here is that because of my prayers, I believe I've been able to realize the difference between the demons and angels, so to speak. It really is amazing when you truly start believing in God and His power and the power that is available to you, because once you begin to use it, you can see so many things differently!!! So much clearer! I've begun to feel myself filling with light! I am gaining the ability to overcome things in a more positive less-destructive way! (destructive meaning = less pity party, self-loathing, etc)

I'm sure most people have their own "uphill battle" they're dealing with in their life and I really believe that once you identify the opponent, it's easier to carry out plans of defense that bring you closer to victory. Everyone's demons are different, the challenges we face in this life are unique and it's up to us to take the steps towards changing what needs to be changed and dealing with what needs to be dealt with.

I've realized that I've been a bit distant lately with friends and family...and it's hasn't been intentional, but I think that, for me, when something in my life needs to be dealt with, it's easier to take myself away from everything to view it differently. Sort of like that "outside in" saying. It's always after you part from a situation that you're finally able to see what really happened. Along with the saying, "Don't know what you've got, till it's gone".

Church has been a great help in this!! I really do believe it! I feel like I'm answering a call that's been coming in for a LONG time!

I know most of this probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I have to write it like I think it....lol. I'm sure this won't be the last of the Confusing Jessi Rambles.

I'd just like to end with this: Life IS an up-hill battle is one way or another, as God's Children I believe we are all here to advance and learn...and I'm definitely learning!

So even though the hill's seem high and relentless, keep your focus on God above and He'll guide you...even when you don't necessarily feel it, He's there, so keep going!