The Negativity of it All

Living this life is hard enough as it is. Negativity seems to be spreading faster and farther throughout our schools, media, neighborhoods, even jobs and it just seems to me that it's like a disease that finds you and latches on.

How many times in your life can you remember a "negative" person ruining your whole day? I can think of plenty.

And I don't just mean negative as a person who says "no" a lot either. I'm talking about that lady, that no matter how many times you smile at her, continues to treat you like a rat. Or that guy who is in such a rush to get nowhere, nearly cuts you off just to get a car length ahead of you. I'm talking about that person who complains constantly about everything and acts so selfishly to get what they want from you and never gives back in return.

Now, let me stop there and tell you that I'm not an angel when it comes to the above. I believe we all have our good and bad days. Negativity IS everywhere and even the least likeliest of people tend to express it. I'm no different.

Back to the topic...

it's THOSE constantly negative people that pretty much stand in our way of being happy.
Now, I'm coming up on my 6th week in a row of attending church, and yes, I feel like I've had to "battle my demons" a little more than usual......or is it simply that by going to church and searching for answers to life's questions, you might actually be getting answers???? Maybe I'm noticing "my demons" a little more because "something" is showing me.

Call me crazy, but it does make a little sense!

Every morning, I tell myself that I'm going to do more today and mope around less. I'm going to smile more and complain less. I'm going to talk to someone I don't know and reconnect with an old friend! Do I always succeed? Of course not, I'm not a robot!! I can't just MAKE myself be more positive overnight!

But I can say one thing that most of the world can't say right now....and that is:

I'M TRYING.

I want to be a better person. Not that I think I'm a horrible person now, or anyone else that I know for that matter.

Like I said in the beginning: Life is hard enough to live as it is....why make it worse for yourself or anyone else?

From Luke 6:27

"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.

If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners', expecting to repaid in full.

But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

Up-Hill Battle

I have a really difficult time putting into words the way I've been feeling lately. As if something is changing. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I feel like something big is happening. I've found myself making changes that I wouldn't have necessarily expected myself to make. All in all, I believe this is good, but I can't begin to tell you how hard it's been.

So here goes nothin...

I feel like my emotions, as well as thoughts, have been all over the map!

As if I'm being pulled in several different directions. Kind of like being in a maze. (which totally scare me by the way...just the thought of being trapped and lost in a maze sends shivers down my spine!)

It's definitely an up-hill battle that I often fear of losing. My Emotions and my Thoughts sometimes run so closely together that it's hard to decipher between the two.

I've begun praying alot lately. Which I have found helps me so much!!! It also brings forth the demons that plague me! I suppose the good thing here is that because of my prayers, I believe I've been able to realize the difference between the demons and angels, so to speak. It really is amazing when you truly start believing in God and His power and the power that is available to you, because once you begin to use it, you can see so many things differently!!! So much clearer! I've begun to feel myself filling with light! I am gaining the ability to overcome things in a more positive less-destructive way! (destructive meaning = less pity party, self-loathing, etc)

I'm sure most people have their own "uphill battle" they're dealing with in their life and I really believe that once you identify the opponent, it's easier to carry out plans of defense that bring you closer to victory. Everyone's demons are different, the challenges we face in this life are unique and it's up to us to take the steps towards changing what needs to be changed and dealing with what needs to be dealt with.

I've realized that I've been a bit distant lately with friends and family...and it's hasn't been intentional, but I think that, for me, when something in my life needs to be dealt with, it's easier to take myself away from everything to view it differently. Sort of like that "outside in" saying. It's always after you part from a situation that you're finally able to see what really happened. Along with the saying, "Don't know what you've got, till it's gone".

Church has been a great help in this!! I really do believe it! I feel like I'm answering a call that's been coming in for a LONG time!

I know most of this probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I have to write it like I think it....lol. I'm sure this won't be the last of the Confusing Jessi Rambles.

I'd just like to end with this: Life IS an up-hill battle is one way or another, as God's Children I believe we are all here to advance and learn...and I'm definitely learning!

So even though the hill's seem high and relentless, keep your focus on God above and He'll guide you...even when you don't necessarily feel it, He's there, so keep going!

8 Months?

Has it really been 8 months since I posted on here? WOW! I suppose it has!
Well, life has changed so much in the last 8 months! Schedules are hectic, kids are bigger, life is just busier.
Not to say that I haven't had the desire to write...or jot down some of the thoughts that run through my head, but again, time is precious and most times, for most people...sitting down and writing about their thoughts takes time and quiet...which are two things we don't get much of these days. :)
You should see my cell phone notepad...it has several small 3-4 word entries of things I need to vent or talk about...so here's a small vow to myself:
I promise to get on here at least once a week and write something...no matter how long or short.

There! Be back in a week.....or sooner!

To the Grand Canyon....and Back!

So Brian's mom and Grandma came into town last Friday and there was a plan from the beginning to go see the Grand Canyon and Sedona. Well, after Brian had to play 4 games of Softball on Sunday and pulling his hamstring, we decided to only go to one. So Grand Canyon, here we come!

We got up at 4AM on Monday morning and headed out around 6. Driving out of Phoenix north on the 17 was absolutely beautiful!!! We had never had the chance to go up that way before considering when we moved down here, we were forced to take an alternate route due to snow storms. I LOVE the mountaineous climbs and all the scenery!! However, I do NOT enjoy driving in SNOW! YES, we ran into snow! Not so much falling from the sky, but on the ground. Fortunately, the roads were pretty clear, but I was driving cautious and since my husband was driving in the car behind me, he was a little irritated with that fact, but I didn't care, I didn't wanna be flyin down the highway and hit a patch of ice!

We arrived at the Grand Canyon at around noon. Sooooo worth it! The views were amazing and I have to say that it was fun to see the kids playing in snow! The babies really hadn't seen snow since they were infant age, so they were having a blast! The fact that it was so cold didn't seem to effect them because of this.

We took many, many, many pictures!!! I've attached one that I'm fond of....;)

IT was so much fun and we were so tired and my poor hubby did so good considering he was in so much pain, but I think walking it out helped him a bit.

It wasn't until we hit Mesa on the way back home that someone tried to kill us on the highway! A Semi pulled into my lane and I had NO where to go! Luckily, the car to the left of me saw what was happening and was able to get over.....thank the lord, because even slowing down, the truck still would have hit the front of our car if I hadn't gotten over to the left a little! My husband was pretty angry seems how he saw all of this from behind me. It was really scary!!!!!

I have fears of being run off the road by semi's or worse, so this didn't help much!

But all in all, it was a good trip and I'm glad we were able to go. The roads were all clearer on the way home and we stopped off at good ole' Cracker Barrel to have dinner!!! I LOVE Cracker Barrel! I sometimes miss working there because of the 50% discount! LOL!

Scary Dream Update: Interpretation....

So I found this website....suppoosedly the #1 rated dream interpretation site on the net...and this is what it had to say about my dreams from the other night:

Regarding my death:
"To dream of your own death, indicates a transitional phase in your life. You are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Alternatively, you are trying desperately to escape the demands of your daily life."

Regarding war:
"To dream of a war, signifies disorder and chaos in your personal affairs. You also be experiencing some internal conflict or emotional struggle. You are feeling torn between aspects of yourself. Perhaps the dream may indicate that you are being overly aggressive or you are not being assertive enough."

So simple...huh?
The site also said that sometimes dreams will come acrossed as scary to get your attention...make you remember it more vividly.
Sure works.
The war dream is somewhat recurring, I'm always having dreams about war beginning, and the end of the world. Recurring dreams were said on the site, to be messages trying deperately to get through to you. Basically means there's a lesson I'm not learning.
Interesting....

Scary Dreams

They say never to tell anyone about your dreams, for they won't come true! WELL, I'm tellin everyone I can about this one because I surely do not want it coming true! Most of the time we have scary dreams and we wake up and we forget about them. Well, these are sticking with me for some reason...I woke up from the first one, took a few deep breaths, and went back to sleep assuming the dream was over, but it only continued. I woke again, toke some more deep breaths, and went back to sleep, and yet still again, it was back!

It started with a simply evening out with the family...Brian was playing basketball and Gavin was running around playing with other kids. I was just watching them both. Don't ask me where the babies were, I have no clue. I'm guessing this dream just wasn't really about them. So we're getting ready to leave and Brian heads to the car while I go get Gavin.
I find Gavin being bullied by a group of kids and as I walk up to them, I tell them to leave him alone and tell him to come on.
As I walk passed the girl in front of the group, she spins me around and swoops behind me, jabbing me above the left front side of my hip with a knife. She repeatedly did this until my body hit the ground. As she ran away, I remember seeing Gavin freaking out and I was trying to tell him I was ok, but when as I stood up and shouted to him he couldn't seem to hear me. I turned around and saw my body lying on the ground lifeless.

I wake up.

At this point, I'm breathing pretty heavily and I calm down and go back to sleep. The sleep continues with us driving around watching mass hysteria begin. We're not sure why and can't seem to get an answer from anyone. We begin to see that cars are being lifted from the ground by some kind of aircraft and once they are lifted high enough and then attached by other aircraft shooting them. A war is beginning in the sky. The strange part that makes me feel like the 2nd dream is connected to the first, is the fact that no matter who I speak to in the 2nd dream, NO ONE seems to hear me, as if I'm not really there. My husband is driving like a bat out of hell to get through all the chaos, and I'm trying to tell him to slow down, but he's not listening. When the car is stopped, I'm yelling to people to tell us what's going on, particularly police officers and I'm getting absolutely no response. Not even so much as an acknowledgement.

People are starting to shoot each other, police are going crazy and just killing everyone in sight because they don't know who's human and who's not. My son is killed in this process. But no matter what I say, there's no answer....to hint of acknowledgement.

Today, when Autumn's dad came to pick her up, I was on the phone telling someone about this dream and he kinda chuckled and told me that 3 different ancient calendars say something about our "age" or this planet ending in December of 2012. Nice.

This is not the first instance of my having dreams like this. I've had several dreams of being killed and I've had several dreams of world destruction.

Maybe it's all the tv I watch, maybe it's not.
All I know, is that if the world is going to end, I'd really rather not know about it ahead of time.

Got a new Car

So it all started a couple of weeks ago when we took our Impala in to a mechanic to get an oil change and to have some popping noises looked at.

The popping noises turned out to be a steering wheel issue that was easily fixed and we found out our front axles needed replacing. So the whole day cost us $600. Not pretty, but needed to be done and was done!

We get the car home and go to the store and notice that the oil change was NEVER done! UGH!

So the next day, I take it up to Wal-Mart so I can do some Super Bowl shopping while the oil is changed and the mechanic tells me he can't do it because my car is overheating and is leaking coolant everywhere!!! The amazing part is, it wasn't leaking onto the ground...

So Brian takes the day off of work on Tuesday to take the car back in to a DIFFERENT mechanic and they tell us that the coolant has been leaking into the bottom of the engine, our head gasket has blown and we would need a new engine!!! ARE you KIDDING ME? After we just dropped $600 at the last place for some friggin axles, now we need a new engine??? Oh, but they can get us a used one for about $3,000 or $4,000!!!! We just DON'T have that!!!

Totally ticked us off, because the 2nd mechanic told us that if the first place would have done the oil change like we asked, they would have found that problem!!! At which point we would have just brought the car back home instead of wasting $600 on new axles for a car we can't drive anyway!! You couldn't get 5 miles down the road without it overheating now!

Amazing how this problem didn't get noticeably bad until AFTER the first mechanic works on it....hmmmm.

Anywho, so Brian goes to this car lot that he had been driving past for months on his way to and from work! Walks right in, sits right down, puts $200 on a car and comes home! That easy huh? Should've done that a LONG time ago!

We could have put that $600 towards the new car rather than giving it to those incompetant mechanics!

The funny part with the new car is that he brought home a 2004 Pontiac Grand Am. At first we were satisfied with our last minute choice...but after driving it around for a couple days, we started realizing that maybe it was the wrong choice. It had a brand new sparkly engine in it, which was great, but meant that it obviously HAD to be replaced. The windshield had been replaced as well, because the stripping along the sides kept trying to come off. Because it was a 2004, there was no warranty on it, which made me uneasy. Especially after what we had just wen through with the Impala, I really just wanted something we could rely on for a while. Not to mention the 20 Carfax reports that came up on the car. We couldn't view them because you have to PAY to do that...but 20 reports was enough for me to get a bad feeling about this car.

So on Thursday, I was supposed to go up to the dealership to sign paperwork on the Pontiac.

Instead, we went up there and got a different car and returned the Pontiac, after I explained my concerns to them! They understood and granted our wishes.

So now, we have a 2007 Chrysler Sebring. It looks small, but there's actually MORE room in it than the pontiac had. It only has 13,000 miles on it instead of 67,000 that the Pontiac had and the Chrysler is still under Factory warranty, as well as dealer warranty.

The most amazing part is that the Chrysler only cost about $2000 more than the Pontiac did!!! WOW! We got quite the deal! We're happy now, however family road trips won't be an option for a while.

We plan to sell the Impala in a couple months when it's paid off, and then depending on how the money situation is, we may look into getting another car, but we're thinking we may wait at least a year for that. We just couldn't afford something big enough for ALL of us! LOL...Hell, we NEED a BUS! :)

Wish us luck!

Whew! Day 1 is OVER!

Ok, it really wasn't that bad!!! It went really good actually. My first day of home preschool was fun and Lucas did very well for being in a new place!!! It was actually a half day for him today, so it was kind of nice to have a shorter time than normal to get to know him!!

In home preschool we hung up ABC's along the wall and decorated paper hearts with stickers and drew on papers!! We had reading time and then had song and dance time!!

We didn't do from 9 AM - 11 AM like I had wanted to, but I expected delay in the beginning. I know it's going to take some getting everyone adjusted to a new routine.

I actually have a meeting with another mom tomorrow for her 2 year old daughter! She'll be part time, which is nice. A week ago, I thought I'd be watching 3 other toddlers on top of my own fulltime, so it's kind of relieving to know that's not happening now!! I was getting a little overwhelmed!! I have a tendency of working myself too much all at once instead of easing into things!!! LOL!

So far so good!

It's 8:40 AM....

and I'm already tired! Lucas is a great big ball of energy. I suppose he's not too much different from my own kids, but it's always different when it's someone else's child!! :)
He talks a mile a minute and I can't understand a word of it!! Then he had to go pee!! (he's in the process of potty training) So I took him in there and put him on the potty, and I suppose because I'm so used to my kids being able to do it on their own, I left him there....a few minutes later he's hollering at me and I go in there and he has peed on his shirt!!
WOW! A tad bit more challenging than I thought!!
Breakfast went rather well though...they all seemed to like the eggs over toast with fruit on the side!!
My projected preschool time is supposed to start in 15 minutes and they're just finishing up breakfast now....hmmm....I guess starting a new routine takes time.

:)

Off I go...wish me luck. (again)

Tomorrow is the beginning....

Of a new path. I'm a little excited and a little nervous. I've been babysitting an infant since August and have decided to take it a step further and start watching older kids and teaching preschool to both them and my kids. This is going to be tough and beneficial all at the same time!! I really have high hopes that this will be successful. My husband and I have been struggling financially for a while now and some of that is thanks to the Mortgage industry market being so low. Hubby's bonuses haven't been all that great lately. So I looked into going back to work. However, even after my first interview, reality set in when I contacted several child care providers, only to find that 3/4's of my paycheck would be given to them. How depressing! I know for a fact that I would not be happy doing that. SO, I thought I may as well stick to what I'm doing and just kick it up a notch. I looked into preschool at home and found that doing it would be easier than I thought!! So here we go!!!
My first new child starts tomorrow. His name is Lucas and he's 2 years old. Wish me luck!!!

Fine! Call me crazy!

I just love Lisa Williams! Who is Lisa Williams you ask? Well, let me tell you! She is a medium and clairvoyant! Ok, go ahead, call me nuts and stop reading! LOL!

Seriously, she has even wowed my husband and if you know my husband, you know she must be something pretty amazing! We first saw her on the Lifetime channel. Her show was called Lisa Williams: Life Among the Dead.

Now, I myself, am a critic! Almost every episode I rolled my eyes at least once. I couldn't help it! We live in a world where miracles are constantly being turned into coincidences! Where common courtesy is just plain old manipulation. A smile is nothing but a way out of explaining what's wrong!!! So of course I question her. But it never failed....by the end of every episode, I would find myself dumbfounded!! How in the world is she pulling this off! I mean, unless SHE was hiring private investigators to look into these people's deep and personal lives/past, there's no way she could have known the things she was saying!!! The reaction on these people's faces was in no way rehearsed!!! Even the people she approached on the street with the same criticism displayed in their eyes, would be in tears by the time she was through!!!

For reasons unknown to me and to many other's, Lifetime has decided not to continue with her show. She does have a website and a blog out there that I have recently found and it appears to really be her on the blog. She updates it regularly and actually just started it in December. Her new book is going to be released in April and you can bet that I'll be reading it!!! Whoo hoo!

You can find her blog here: http://lisawilliamsblog.com/

It never hurts to check something out...you'd be surprised at how open your mind can be if you allow it!

XOXO