Sunday, April 17, 2011

What it's like...

There's this show on nowadays...called "Coming Home".
I actually try not to watch it all the time, because it's guaranteed to make me bawl like a baby. On the other hand...I appreciate the fact that it's "dvr'd" so I can watch it when I Need to.
I've noticed lately, that it seems to be based out of Fort Campbell, KY..and most of the families live in Clarksville, TN. Which, to those that don't realize, is where Matthew started. 101st Airborne, is where Matthew originated in his military career. I can't help but notice all the 101st Airborne patches on the uniforms of the men and women featured on this show because to me, it's him.
Seeing and feeling what these families go through during a deployment really touches home with me. The feelings of watching them leave...and the feelings of watching them come home. I've experienced both with Matthew now...and it's always so emotional. However, these days, I'm so emotional, that pretty much anything can bring a tear to my eyes...but I can feel these particular situations because I know personally, what they feel like.
You never really know what it's going to be like to see them again in person. The anxiousness and nervousness can be overwhelming...but I do know this; No matter how many emotions are running through a loved ones body at the moment that a soldier comes home...they're body reacts the same. Arms stretched out and embracing the one that they've been missing for all these months...even years. When it comes down to it, all you want to do is hold them again to know that they are real and they are home. Period. No if's, no and's, no but's. Just happy to see them home.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Fighting the Night

We're down to 3 months left in this deployment. That fact doesn't make each day any easier. I have dreams...actually, more like nightmares. Senses of confusion and dismay. I have no idea what the future holds, and I really have no idea what must go through his mind out there in the Afghan desert...but if it's anything like what goes through my mind here at home...it can't be all good.
I sincerely try to focus on the positive. Try to remember all the cherished memories that we share...and I can only Pray that those memories are in his thoughts too. The nights are the hardest. When my thoughts are left in the quiet...loud enough to constantly be heard. So tired, but without sleep, because all of those thoughts keep me awake. Wondering, waiting, missing, loving, longing, reminiscing, hoping, praying,....anything but restful.
I'm so scared, but trying to be the strong pillar that keeps this all together. Trying to be supportive and encouraging of his efforts, no matter how much I don't know. I watch videos of other's journey's over there and find myself hoping and dreading at the same time that I'll catch even a simple glimpse of him in those videos. Wondering when I don't, if he is seeing sights similar to these. Hoping that when he finally comes back home, that he'll be able to strengthen himself within, using these awful, but educational memories. Will he even tell me of the things he's seen? Or will he hide it from me, thinking it's in my best interest? Does he realize how much he means to me, and that the fact that I watch these videos, is merely a way to be closer to him?
Deployment is obviously not an easy journey....and it is honestly something I never thought I'd endure, but this man, is so much more than a journey in my heart. Matthew is the man that I love. This is no ordinary love, this is a staple in the destiny of life. I knew it the first time I saw him. I've prayed to God time and time before about this...and I truly believe that it was my destiny to be with this man through this deployment. I have remained and have absolutely no problem remaining faithful to this man. He is all I want and he is all I need. I am human, however, and as a human, I have human fears. Will he understand the love that I've had for him? Will he believe in it? Will he trust it? Will he constantly question it based on statistics and past experiences? Or will there be a voice in his heart that tells him that everything is as it should be?
This is what plagues me in the night. This is what plagues my dreams. These are my fears and questions. But I know in my heart and soul that no matter what...I chose this path based on love. Nothing more...pure and simple and delicate and faithful...LOVE.