We're down to 3 months left in this deployment. That fact doesn't make each day any easier. I have dreams...actually, more like nightmares. Senses of confusion and dismay. I have no idea what the future holds, and I really have no idea what must go through his mind out there in the Afghan desert...but if it's anything like what goes through my mind here at home...it can't be all good.
I sincerely try to focus on the positive. Try to remember all the cherished memories that we share...and I can only Pray that those memories are in his thoughts too. The nights are the hardest. When my thoughts are left in the quiet...loud enough to constantly be heard. So tired, but without sleep, because all of those thoughts keep me awake. Wondering, waiting, missing, loving, longing, reminiscing, hoping, praying,....anything but restful.
I'm so scared, but trying to be the strong pillar that keeps this all together. Trying to be supportive and encouraging of his efforts, no matter how much I don't know. I watch videos of other's journey's over there and find myself hoping and dreading at the same time that I'll catch even a simple glimpse of him in those videos. Wondering when I don't, if he is seeing sights similar to these. Hoping that when he finally comes back home, that he'll be able to strengthen himself within, using these awful, but educational memories. Will he even tell me of the things he's seen? Or will he hide it from me, thinking it's in my best interest? Does he realize how much he means to me, and that the fact that I watch these videos, is merely a way to be closer to him?
Deployment is obviously not an easy journey....and it is honestly something I never thought I'd endure, but this man, is so much more than a journey in my heart. Matthew is the man that I love. This is no ordinary love, this is a staple in the destiny of life. I knew it the first time I saw him. I've prayed to God time and time before about this...and I truly believe that it was my destiny to be with this man through this deployment. I have remained and have absolutely no problem remaining faithful to this man. He is all I want and he is all I need. I am human, however, and as a human, I have human fears. Will he understand the love that I've had for him? Will he believe in it? Will he trust it? Will he constantly question it based on statistics and past experiences? Or will there be a voice in his heart that tells him that everything is as it should be?
This is what plagues me in the night. This is what plagues my dreams. These are my fears and questions. But I know in my heart and soul that no matter what...I chose this path based on love. Nothing more...pure and simple and delicate and faithful...LOVE.
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