In Her Shoes

I used to sit and watch her suffer in her own misery. Listen to her curse the God's and demand to know why life was so hard for her. Always blaming Them for her misery. Watching her try to drink her sorrows away as if the whiskey held the secret or the reason for them. I always wondered why she allowed herself to feel that way. Why she continued to walk down this path of nothingness. As I sit here today, feeling such sorrows...although whiskey is not my drowning pool of choice, the sadness is quite enough. I hear the voice within me say that I don't have to feel this way. But the emotions tell a different story. The loneliness and frustration consumes me sometimes and I find myself withdrawn. Funny...loneliness makes me want to be alone. I constantly search for the silver lining...the breath of life that will keep me going and sometimes it reveals itself in a smile...but the tears find they're way down my face nonetheless.
I don't want to feel this way. But as she used to say...is this just destined to be?

Fighting Through This Deployment

Emotions run through me like a roller coaster in the rain. Although I'm in for the ride, some parts are a pain. Some parts hurt.I can't describe the feeling most of the time but I do know that I don't want to get off. I can't get off. I made a commitment here. I intend to follow through.
It's just crazy sometimes, how much I miss you.
I sit still, but I can't stop the rush of emotions within. I can't keep my hands busy enough, but I don't want to do anything. Sometimes, I wanna scream. Sometimes, I wanna cry. Sometimes I laugh as I think back on you and I.
I'm crazy about you. I'm crazy without you. I pray you make it back home to me...both physically and mentally.
God knows I have been, and will be waiting until that beautiful day finally comes.
Until then, I lay stirring...as impatient as possible. We're gonna make it baby.

lunar eclipse

I put on my black sweater and grabbed a cigarette. Put on my slippers and went out onto the back patio. Held the unlit cigarette in my hand while I tried to see the lunar eclipse...but it was just above the roof and straining to look at. So I stared off...as I always do. As if searching to find you. Wondering what you're doing right at that moment. I feel sad and happy all at once. Sad because I miss you, happy because I Love you.
I finally light the cigarette, only to wander off with you in thought and let the thing just burn away. But I pay no mind to that really...I'm still smiling to the memory that just floated through me like an agile butterfly in a snow storm. I hope you know how I meant that. I miss you so much it hurts, but I love you so much, it hurts less.
Finally the cigarette is through and I'm still standing there....with my eyes closed, still off running around with you and then I look back up at the moon, straining my neck to see how much shadow it's gained...wondering if you're able to see it at all.