Sunday, December 11, 2011

New Missions in life

"Well...I guess that's it." Matthew and I are no more. Well. At least not physically. In an attempt to briefly explain what happened...he came home, we were both a little different, we struggled, we fought, we tried so hard, and then we decided to just stop it. I say "we" loosely. However, no one person is to blame for the end of something beautiful. My heart hurts so much for him. Or maybe it's the hole that remains that I'm feeling. Afterall, I told him over 2 years ago that he had my heart. I made a promise to God and to him, that he would always have my heart. I believe God heard me. Either that or He's making sure I don't forget "I asked for it". Matthew, however...doesn't seem to believe it. No matter what we've been through, how much I tried to prove myself, in Matthew's mind, he is just unable to accept that he had something so real. His pushing me away was supposed to have subsided once he returned home...give or take a few months to re-coop, but it never did. If anything, it got worse. I have so many theories as to why things ended up like this. Maybe Matthew couldn't handle dealing with me AND the adjustment to being home from war at the same time. Maybe the circumstances in which we met, became friends, and fell in love was too much for him to accept. Maybe the time we were apart was just too long and our individual growth during that time changed us too much. Or hell, maybe it was just the fatal combination of all of the above that caused a storm strong enough to actually destroy us. We lost our way. We lost our strength. We lost each other.
We're not married, but I made a vow. I made a promise over and over again. I can still feel what we had inside of me and it's stronger than ever. He may not get to see that for a while. I may not get to see his face or hear his voice for a while, but the fact of the matter is that I love him.
I haven't handled this long, drawn-out breakup so well. I tend to run from pain...or find ways to numb it. Then I hide myself away from the world for a while and allow myself to be depressed about it. Then I finally try to think positive and find some peace out of all this. Then I talk to him. We're both guilty of it. We agree to stop contacting each other and then one of us caves within a day or two. Sometimes, we even see each other. That's really bad. Because then we share a connection and no matter what I say...I feel that hope again. I feel like maybe this time it'll stick. When it doesn't, I start the whole process over again. He's a part of me. Sometimes I battle within about whether or not he's a good part, but regardless. Our souls intertwined something serious! I cannot figure out how to let him go. I've tried just about everything and nothing is working.
So then what am I going to do now you ask? School. Work. Kids. Friends. Wow. The order in which I just had to list those is exactly what I'm stuck in right now. School is number one and that is what I have to focus on if I want to succeed at it and become the woman and psychologist that I need to be. Work is next because that is what I have to do to survive while taking school head on. Kids...oh.
My babies. I miss them so much. I stare at them every single day since I have pictures of them all over my room. I never thought I would ever be in a situation where I couldn't see my babies every single day. People probably think I handle it too well. I kinda make sure of that, but, my kids are my world. Do you know what gets me through all the time without them? ...Knowing, hoping, Praying, that one day real soon they will understand what I had to do. I enjoy every single hour I get to spend with them when I can and they inspire me further and give me a reason to pursue these dreams. That is all I would ever wish upon them. However, only getting to see them overy 2 weeks is killing me. It's not enough. For them, or for me. Ahhh...I just keep telling myself, "It's almost over", "It will all be better soon", "I will get this all figured out"!
Friends...ya, I love my friends. I will need them from time to time to make sure I don't turn into a vampire or somethin. Get me out and social and active...I need that to breathe!!! Everything will turn out as it is supposed to. I can't see the future, so I have no idea if Matthew and I will end up together again. I do know however, that I don't want to be with any other man. I just don't. I'm happy having friends I can hang out with and having my own life to live. I hope him and I get that movie-worthy As much as I love fairytales, I know damn well I don't live in one. :)
In the more Matthew. No more relationship stuff at all.I am A mother who needs and loves her children. A student on her way to a career that will help people live better lives. A woman on a mission.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

What it's like...

There's this show on nowadays...called "Coming Home".
I actually try not to watch it all the time, because it's guaranteed to make me bawl like a baby. On the other hand...I appreciate the fact that it's "dvr'd" so I can watch it when I Need to.
I've noticed lately, that it seems to be based out of Fort Campbell, KY..and most of the families live in Clarksville, TN. Which, to those that don't realize, is where Matthew started. 101st Airborne, is where Matthew originated in his military career. I can't help but notice all the 101st Airborne patches on the uniforms of the men and women featured on this show because to me, it's him.
Seeing and feeling what these families go through during a deployment really touches home with me. The feelings of watching them leave...and the feelings of watching them come home. I've experienced both with Matthew now...and it's always so emotional. However, these days, I'm so emotional, that pretty much anything can bring a tear to my eyes...but I can feel these particular situations because I know personally, what they feel like.
You never really know what it's going to be like to see them again in person. The anxiousness and nervousness can be overwhelming...but I do know this; No matter how many emotions are running through a loved ones body at the moment that a soldier comes home...they're body reacts the same. Arms stretched out and embracing the one that they've been missing for all these months...even years. When it comes down to it, all you want to do is hold them again to know that they are real and they are home. Period. No if's, no and's, no but's. Just happy to see them home.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Fighting the Night

We're down to 3 months left in this deployment. That fact doesn't make each day any easier. I have dreams...actually, more like nightmares. Senses of confusion and dismay. I have no idea what the future holds, and I really have no idea what must go through his mind out there in the Afghan desert...but if it's anything like what goes through my mind here at can't be all good.
I sincerely try to focus on the positive. Try to remember all the cherished memories that we share...and I can only Pray that those memories are in his thoughts too. The nights are the hardest. When my thoughts are left in the quiet...loud enough to constantly be heard. So tired, but without sleep, because all of those thoughts keep me awake. Wondering, waiting, missing, loving, longing, reminiscing, hoping, praying,....anything but restful.
I'm so scared, but trying to be the strong pillar that keeps this all together. Trying to be supportive and encouraging of his efforts, no matter how much I don't know. I watch videos of other's journey's over there and find myself hoping and dreading at the same time that I'll catch even a simple glimpse of him in those videos. Wondering when I don't, if he is seeing sights similar to these. Hoping that when he finally comes back home, that he'll be able to strengthen himself within, using these awful, but educational memories. Will he even tell me of the things he's seen? Or will he hide it from me, thinking it's in my best interest? Does he realize how much he means to me, and that the fact that I watch these videos, is merely a way to be closer to him?
Deployment is obviously not an easy journey....and it is honestly something I never thought I'd endure, but this man, is so much more than a journey in my heart. Matthew is the man that I love. This is no ordinary love, this is a staple in the destiny of life. I knew it the first time I saw him. I've prayed to God time and time before about this...and I truly believe that it was my destiny to be with this man through this deployment. I have remained and have absolutely no problem remaining faithful to this man. He is all I want and he is all I need. I am human, however, and as a human, I have human fears. Will he understand the love that I've had for him? Will he believe in it? Will he trust it? Will he constantly question it based on statistics and past experiences? Or will there be a voice in his heart that tells him that everything is as it should be?
This is what plagues me in the night. This is what plagues my dreams. These are my fears and questions. But I know in my heart and soul that no matter what...I chose this path based on love. Nothing more...pure and simple and delicate and faithful...LOVE.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

In Her Shoes

I used to sit and watch her suffer in her own misery. Listen to her curse the God's and demand to know why life was so hard for her. Always blaming Them for her misery. Watching her try to drink her sorrows away as if the whiskey held the secret or the reason for them. I always wondered why she allowed herself to feel that way. Why she continued to walk down this path of nothingness. As I sit here today, feeling such sorrows...although whiskey is not my drowning pool of choice, the sadness is quite enough. I hear the voice within me say that I don't have to feel this way. But the emotions tell a different story. The loneliness and frustration consumes me sometimes and I find myself withdrawn. Funny...loneliness makes me want to be alone. I constantly search for the silver lining...the breath of life that will keep me going and sometimes it reveals itself in a smile...but the tears find they're way down my face nonetheless.
I don't want to feel this way. But as she used to this just destined to be?

Monday, December 27, 2010

Fighting Through This Deployment

Emotions run through me like a roller coaster in the rain. Although I'm in for the ride, some parts are a pain. Some parts hurt.I can't describe the feeling most of the time but I do know that I don't want to get off. I can't get off. I made a commitment here. I intend to follow through.
It's just crazy sometimes, how much I miss you.
I sit still, but I can't stop the rush of emotions within. I can't keep my hands busy enough, but I don't want to do anything. Sometimes, I wanna scream. Sometimes, I wanna cry. Sometimes I laugh as I think back on you and I.
I'm crazy about you. I'm crazy without you. I pray you make it back home to me...both physically and mentally.
God knows I have been, and will be waiting until that beautiful day finally comes.
Until then, I lay impatient as possible. We're gonna make it baby.