In Her Shoes

I used to sit and watch her suffer in her own misery. Listen to her curse the God's and demand to know why life was so hard for her. Always blaming Them for her misery. Watching her try to drink her sorrows away as if the whiskey held the secret or the reason for them. I always wondered why she allowed herself to feel that way. Why she continued to walk down this path of nothingness. As I sit here today, feeling such sorrows...although whiskey is not my drowning pool of choice, the sadness is quite enough. I hear the voice within me say that I don't have to feel this way. But the emotions tell a different story. The loneliness and frustration consumes me sometimes and I find myself withdrawn. Funny...loneliness makes me want to be alone. I constantly search for the silver lining...the breath of life that will keep me going and sometimes it reveals itself in a smile...but the tears find they're way down my face nonetheless.
I don't want to feel this way. But as she used to say...is this just destined to be?

Fighting Through This Deployment

Emotions run through me like a roller coaster in the rain. Although I'm in for the ride, some parts are a pain. Some parts hurt.I can't describe the feeling most of the time but I do know that I don't want to get off. I can't get off. I made a commitment here. I intend to follow through.
It's just crazy sometimes, how much I miss you.
I sit still, but I can't stop the rush of emotions within. I can't keep my hands busy enough, but I don't want to do anything. Sometimes, I wanna scream. Sometimes, I wanna cry. Sometimes I laugh as I think back on you and I.
I'm crazy about you. I'm crazy without you. I pray you make it back home to me...both physically and mentally.
God knows I have been, and will be waiting until that beautiful day finally comes.
Until then, I lay stirring...as impatient as possible. We're gonna make it baby.

lunar eclipse

I put on my black sweater and grabbed a cigarette. Put on my slippers and went out onto the back patio. Held the unlit cigarette in my hand while I tried to see the lunar eclipse...but it was just above the roof and straining to look at. So I stared off...as I always do. As if searching to find you. Wondering what you're doing right at that moment. I feel sad and happy all at once. Sad because I miss you, happy because I Love you.
I finally light the cigarette, only to wander off with you in thought and let the thing just burn away. But I pay no mind to that really...I'm still smiling to the memory that just floated through me like an agile butterfly in a snow storm. I hope you know how I meant that. I miss you so much it hurts, but I love you so much, it hurts less.
Finally the cigarette is through and I'm still standing there....with my eyes closed, still off running around with you and then I look back up at the moon, straining my neck to see how much shadow it's gained...wondering if you're able to see it at all.

Hello again....

I realize it's been a few months since my last entry. The lack of internet service at home will do that.

Lots has happened! My divorce is almost final...and let me just say.......Thank goodness for that! Not to say my ex-husband and I ended it on bad terms or anything, but it was just time to move on.
As for me...I've been living in my own apartment, working as much as possible and trying to get this life of mine together.
I've never lived on my own before...not really at least. Always had a roommate or a man living with me, so this experience has been amazing! It's what I've always needed, but never had the chance to do. Life had other plans for me.

I am in love again. But....it's a different kind of love. As he is far away right now. Will be overseas shortly serving our country. Something that scares me to death...but I love this man so much. I have every confidence in him and I believe this time apart is great for both of us. It's allowing us to show each other and ourselves, just how much we really love and care about each other. It's brought us so much closer to each other, and I've experienced more love with him than I ever have before.
Yes, sure, we have great chemistry in person. We make each other laugh...we can talk to each other about anything...we make a great team and we share many interests.
This too, I've never experienced before. Actually being myself, and knowing who that is...and feeling comfortable with someone else. I'll spend the rest of my life with this man someday. We may even have more children. But for now...it's about seeing him through this deployment...and him getting back home safely.

I love you baby.

Happy Mother's Day (?)

It's that day again. The day when we give thanks and show appreciation for our Mother's. The women who'd sacrifice their lives for us. The ones who showed us how to brush our teeth, how to wipe front to back...lol, explained the birds and the bees....gave us our first razor for shaving. Everywhere you go today, you'll see mom's with their children, young and old, having lunch, dinner...shopping, getting mani/pedi's............but will I be one of them? Nope.

I should feel joy today. I should feel special, because I have 5 beautiful children who I love more than life itself. However, I can't help but feel selfish on this day, because all I can feel is pain and resentment. Anger. Oh, but don't feel left out dad...I'll feel this way on Father's Day too. But that's for another post.....

I've never believed my mother to be a horrible person. She's just a good person, who experienced alot of pain, which in turn, caused her to become something she should have never been. Long story short, I often feel as if Whiskey won over me. I remember the good ole' days when my mom would roll pennies, just to make sure she got that bottle...even when my shoes were so ugly, the kids at school made fun of me. But as long as mom had that bottle, she was happy, and everyone else was too.

But let me stop with that...today should be about my kids and me. Not the constant pain I carry with me day to day.

I got to talk to Drake today! With him being in Wisconsin with his dad...I miss him so much. But talking to him always makes me laugh...he's so energetic. He talks a mile a second. Get's frustrating sometimes, cause he'll ask me a question and start talking again before I can even fully answer. :) That's my Drake. Motor mouth/Genuis! I have plans to get him down here this summer. I haven't seen him in 2 years. His father and I don't talk, which is bad, but even when contact is attempted, it goes unanswered. I don't call Drake, because no one ever answers. I send Drake emails, but a reply is based on whether or not he gets computer access. So he calls me on Sundays. Usually after I've already gone to work...at which I am unable to answer my phone being that I work in a restaurant.
The rest of my kids are on their way over to have lunch with me before I go to work.

But someone once told me...."Nothing bad lasts for forever". That coming from a man who fought overseas in Iraq. If he can tell himself that...there is no reason why I can't.

happy mother's day. Cherish your mother if you are lucky enough to have one in your life. Blood or not. Because living without one can cause more damage than you can imagine.

So here I am....

broke, stressed and wondering how I'm gonna make it. Amazingly, in my heart, I know that things are going to be ok. I'm not sure where that comes from. There are certainly days when I feel like giving up. I'm sure most people have moments where all they wanna do is get into their car, fill the tank up with gas, and drive till they run out. That thought has occurred to me a few times lately. But that's not necessary. I'll figure all this out. One way or another. It's never easy, it's not going to be easy for a long time. My body is worn out, my mind is constantly racing, but the smile remains on my face. I will get through this. Not only for myself, but for my kids. I am strong and I can conquer all the things working against me.

One step at a time.......

It's Been 1 Year, 3 Months, & 18 Days.....

Since I've written in this blog. Life has certainly changed quite a bit since January 9th, 2009. I don't even know where to begin with all of this...I'm still sorting it all out myself. Everyday seems like a whirlwind of change and possibility. Stresses and moments of pure joy. Lack of sleep and unbelievable energy.
I'll do my best to fill you in on everything. Bare with me....my pace may fluctuate!

Let's start with today...and work our way back and forth shall we....

I live in Mesa, AZ now. In apartments! So exciting for me, because I never had a place of my own before. (Always lived with another adult) A tiny step in life that I somehow managed to miss, that I finally got back to.
My husband Brian, and I, are getting a divorce. I'm sure we could both give you many reasons why and go on and on about how hard everything got, or how far we grew apart, but the fact of the matter is, we made it as far as we could go. Now it's time to take different paths. We'll remain friends and will continue to raise our children the best way we know how. Separation did wonders for our communication skills. We've both also matured from this experience. Will we get back together? No. Our lives have changed. We've changed. Or maybe it was just me. Either way, we're two different people now and things are fine the way they are.
The kids have done great during all of this, so far. Gavin may have acted out a little in the beginning, (when Brian and I were still 'workin out the kinks') but he's gotten much better. It's almost as if the kids can see and feel how much better this is, vs. how things were getting.

So here I am...28, 5 kids, about to be divorced twice, living in an apartment on my own, working in a restaurant as a serv(ant)er during the slowest season imaginable, trying to make ends meet, and trying to figure out how to go back to school AND find a 2nd job!

Let the good times roll!